Wingnut Fever Dreams About Critical Race Theory Getting WEIRDER, Somehow

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MOM! Tucker’s saying weird lies and shit again! Wednesday, on Fox News’ Let’s Panic About Culture War And The Blacks With Tucker Carlson, the master race baiter had a fine old meltdown about how evil leftists are treating whiteness as a literal, pathological medical condition that needs to be treated, probably through taking your job and killing your family. Silly Tucker! If anything’s a pathological condition, it’s YOU.

Carlson started out with a bizarre comparison, suggesting that critical race theory, which is a real thing in law schools and in graduate programs, generally in the humanities, is exactly like the scientific racism that used to be rolled out to justify slavery and white supremacy. (Not that there’s any such thing as white supremacy, because that’s divisive.) He added that both Martin Luther King Jr. and Dr. Seuss (maybe Carlson meant The Sneetches?) had written about the horrors of scientific racism, and “You might want to take a look at what they wrote, assuming you can still buy their books.” HURR HURR.


Yeah, you see where this is going. Carlson claimed that those crazy woke professionals, even in medical schools, are now defining whiteness as a disease, because Tucker Carlson is a vomit-brained propagandist for white supremacy, which, remember, does not exist.

To prove that all of academia has proclaimed whiteness an enemy that must be exterminated, Carlson showed a clip of Michael Eric Dyson, who we should note is a sociologist and African American Studies prof at Georgetown Vanderbilt University, not a medical doctor or a lawyer. Carlson dismissed Dyson as “a tenured professor at some stupid college or other” who “lives in a rich, almost exclusively white neighborhood” and “goes on television a lot.” Dyson, Carlson suggested, is pretty much indistinguishable from “Bull Connor or David Duke,” which seems terribly unkind to a prime Tucker Carlson demographic.

Update: corrected Dyson’s name and university affiliation. Carlson called him “Eric Michael Dyson,” and Fox News erroneously placed him at Georgetown. Heavens.

So how is this overpaid worthless hypocrite professor exactly like the very segregationist sheriff police commissioner Martin Luther King opposed? He insulted white men, shame on him!

DYSON: We have stood by to see mediocre, mealy-mouthed snowflake white men who are incapable of taking critique, who are willing to dole out infamous repudiations of the humanity of the other. And yet they call us snowflakes, and they are the biggest flakes of snow to hit the Earth.

They are incapable of criticism. They are incapable of tolerating difference. They’re scared of, “Oh, my god, critical race theory is going to kill your mother.” And they don’t even know. They are not critical, they have no race, and they don’t understand theory.

We see why Tucker was outraged and offended. Dyson was talking about him. And in addition to not understanding critical race theory, Carlson is pretty bad at set theory, since Dyson’s clearly talking about a particular subset of thin-skinned white Fox anchors and their spittle-brained adherents.

To Carlson, this was a a public attack on people “because of their skin color.”

Damn. Considering that he pretends King only said one thing ever, you’d think Carlson would recognize when someone’s disparaging the content of his character (moldy, full of worms and stale urine), not the color of his skin.

Moving along, Carlson explained that if whiteness is framed as a sin (instead of as a legal/social category that has historically served a socioeconomic gatekeeping function), well then, as a wiser person once put it, you’re hurting America. In fact, it’s a recipe for “the death of our future as a country.” Like so many other things Carlson has said would kill America in the past.

Indeed, this treating whiteness as a crime that must be punished (which nobody is doing) has even made its way into the military (it hasn’t), which Carlson can’t stand anymore because he enjoys pretending it too hates equality. Time for Tucker to take his swing at Joint Chiefs of Staff chair Gen. Mark Milley, who has commanded troops in Afghanistan and Iraq, and knows from internecine conflict, you pampered millionaire Fox News wazzock.

Ahem. Carlson’s attack on Milley was pretty unhinged and vile, but it’s OK, because whiteness must be defended — not in a racist way, just for equality and shit.

Milley, Carlson adhominemed, may be the top general in the US military, but he

didn’t get that job because he’s brilliant or because he’s brave, or because people who know him respect him. He is not, and they definitely don’t. Milley got the job because he is obsequious. He knows who to suck up to, and he’s more than happy to do it. Feed him a script and he will read it.

Then he showed that clip of Milley, quite reasonably, saying he thinks maybe understanding white rage might be a useful thing in understanding things like the January 6 attack on the Capitol to overturn the election (which Carlson also pretends had nothing to do with racism, or even insurrection, “Camp Auschwitz” sweatshirts or no).

Carlson, who claimed he detested football players kneeling because it insulted The Troops, went on to insult the head of The Troops, at length. He said it was “hard to believe that man wears a uniform. He’s that unimpressive” and insisted that “white rage” was an example of that bad old scientific racism, not that anyone but racist smegma-muppet Tucker Carlson actually believes it’s a “medical condition.”

Then Tucker delightedly cackled, “He’s not just a pig. He’s stupid!” because Tucker is like a seven-year-old child, but a mean one who never got enough hugs.

Fun fact! Fox’s “instant transcript” of the segment includes the “pig” comment. Its “essay” adaptation doesn’t. Tucker’s a fucking racist, and stupid, but his employers are a bit smarter. It’s still right there in the video accompanying the story, though.

So yes, it was still more Tucker Carlson stirring up the white people with lies, projection, and disinformation, because that’s his job, it’s what he does.

The guy who’s doing everything he possibly can to inspire some stochastic terrorism — will we get through the summer without some self-appointed guardian of Western Civilization shooting up a school board meeting? — closed on this somber note:

Pundit after senator after professor after general: each one of them spewing race hate. Whiteness, white rage — dressed up as some new academic theory. We certainly have the tape. We’ll spare you, because you’ve seen it, it’s everywhere. The question is — and this is the question that we should meditating on day in and day out — is how do we get out of this vortex, this cycle, before it’s too late? How do we save this country before we become Rwanda?

Avoid becoming Rwanda? There’s a case to be made for defunding Rupert Murdoch’s very own Radio Rwanda, not that cable companies are likely to change the bundling contracts that keep Carlson funded even after losing most of his advertisers. Truly, we should meditate on where all this hatred is coming from.

Oh, also, over on Newsmax, Dick Morris offered this crazy take on critical race theory. Forget the millionth iteration of the lie that teachers are telling children “all white people are racist,” that’s banal by now. Morris took it in a truly madly deeply bizarre direction involving multiracial families and remainders-bin Freudianism:

What does this do to the children? What does this do to a kid? A quarter of all Black marriages are intermarriage, racially. So what does that do to a Black boy whose mother is Black and his father is white? What does he think? “My father exploited my mother and that’s how he got successful?'” Does this reinforce the Oedipal notion that all kids have wanting to kill their father and marry their mother? I mean, what does this do to the children?

Well sure, you weirdo. Studying systemic racism will lead to the literal enactment of an idea you half remember from college, involving Freud’s metaphorical borrowing of Greek myth? Talk about Critical Thrace Theory!

Haha, we tried to analyze what he said and how our head hurts like it was bonked by a medieval melee weapon.

That’s our critical mace theory, at least.

[Media Matters / Fox News transcript / Joe.My.God / Fox News / Smithsonian]

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